Rewiring simply means we bypass the dysfunctional behaviours but keep the intent. Our saviour parts want to help us but in a dysfunctional, sometime obsessive, or even addictive ways…what if we could keep the intent – to help us but rewire the behaviour itself?
Rewiring starts with establishing a cordial relationship with your parts that produce dysfunctional behaviours. Therefore, you cannot hate a part and change it. If you dislike, like, feel bad, resist or get irritated by a part, then you must know that another part of you has taken over the throne and is relating to your original part. Who YOU are is always open. Therefore before you begin to rewire, you must connect with that pattern of guilt, anger, procrastination obsession or whatever it is from your centre – from your base state.
Rewiring In Action: A Real Life Story
In 2002, I worked for a media-entertainment company as a writer / director for documentaries. Our company had one of the first black Scorpio cars (a newly launched model that was cool then, not anymore) that we’d use to go for shooting trips. Our driver left job and we had to hire a new driver in hush-hush because we were going on a two weeks shooting schedule.
I was leading the team and there are perks of that in the sense that you get to sit in the front next to the driver and not in the back where three guys sit. I was the last to be picked up by the new driver – let’s call him J T…my first meeting with him. As we left the city and entered highway, I asked the driver about his background…he said he was a bouncer in a night club in Pune (there are no night clubs in my home town)…and I could see his physique was that of a bouncer…
During the next 50 kms on highway, the driver started opening up…no, not to me but to other drivers…he was like in a competition or a race, he wanted to over take any car that was on the road and if someone didn’t give him pass to over take, our driver would mentions the other car’s driver’s mother and sisters – if you know what I mean 😉, which I know that you know. Occasionally he’d go very close to next car and scream on the driver that I am going to ‘fish’ you.
This continued for a couple of hours until we stopped on a highway cafe. By the time I was annoyed…not about that he is using bad words but that he’s doing this on his first day of his job…I was afraid was else was in the store. So during our break over chai, I decided to talk to him. I asked him – why are you acting like this, like an angry man on all other drivers?
He was reluctant at first but when he opened he said, I used to be a bouncer and in my old profession, the only way you survive is by showing the world that you are a tough guy. I am here on my first day and I want to impress you by showing how a tough guy I am that I will help you and protect you at any cost and anyone who comes in the way, I will show them their place. Because of my family circumstances, I can’t afford to lose this job, I had to change state to be here with my family. I just want to make sure that you guys like me and keep me.
I smiled at him and said – J T, I understand your concern, but know one thing, I or for that matter any one in our team needs you to save us in the way you are doing. Can you just do good with driving the car? Can you only manage to keep us safe with your driving? If you only do this, we all would appreciate your help and that’s enough of a reason to have you in our team as the driver of this car.
He got the message, he chose to change his ways for the rest of the duration. Probably because he understood that his behaviour isn’t helping his cause but is in fact against his intention. As far as I know, he’s still with the same company after 19 years and he’s also on my FB friend list.
The Insight
There’s a reason I call our parts are ‘invidious entities’. That’s because they are actually entities, like beings or creatures within us who have their own beliefs, own experiences and unique outlook to the world. They are like individual persons living within us.
And as I’v said earlier, they are trying to help us in whatever way they know. You can argue and disagree about their ways but you can’t argue about their intent – they want to help you. Just like our driver J T, who thought that by showing his tough-guy character he’s helping his cause of cementing his job in our company. What he didn’t knew was that he’s in fact spoiling his chances to work with us by his annoying behaviour, even though he had a noble intent.
Years later after the incident with J T, the driver, I attended a workshop by the British teacher Ian Wolstenholme…that was my first encounter when I clearly I became aware of the parts or individual entities within me, I also learned that it is possible to engage with them and negotiate with them, just as I did with J T, the driver. Just as you can negotiate with others, you can also negotiate with the individual entities within you.
What touched me most from Ian Wolstenholme’s workshop was what he said – that we should treat our parts like we’d treat our children. That That got me thinking – that like our children, who might not be matured and hence display dysfunctional behaviours, but still we love them, why not do the same with our dysfunctional parts and try to negotiate with them? Why not ask them to change the behaviour while keeping the intent?
And form that seed-thought, comes today’s skill – Rewiring